Defending Traditional Marriages

We all see marriages failing at alarming rates across the country, and we frequently blame various factors like money or cheating, but in taking a closer look, I am finding that the real reasons are actually much simpler, more intimate, and more difficult to admit. Ironically, despite what we have learned about affairs and abuse (to name a few), it is not men, but women who seem to be the primary cause of destroying relationships and marriages. As disturbing as that last statement may be, and the explanation to follow, it is equally empowering to look at the other side of that statement: It is women who have the greatest and primary power to make strong marriages, strong families, and happy husbands. While I am in no way justifying the abuses which men commit, I will now explain why it is that women are so much more important when it comes to strong and happy marriages/relationships.

Men are very simple and our needs and desires are also simple. We want women who loves us enough to inspire us to be our best selves.  This includes respecting women by saving sex for marriage and keep our marriages strong. By denying extramarital sex/fornication, and keeping it alive within marriage, women act as the gatekeepers of the family and of respect.  Men can undermine and attack these efforts, but the power rests with women.

When a woman perceives her man acting in ways which fall short of the levels of love or respect which she feels she deserves, then her love towards her man diminishes and her reaction determines the strength of the relationship.  If she withdraws, everything falls apart.  If she accepts disrespect, she becomes deeply resentful and angry over time.  If she invests in goodness, the man has the power to strengthen the relationship.

When a man perceives his woman acting in ways which fall short of the levels of love or respect which he feels he deserves, then he becomes immediately angry for a short period. If she becomes fairly "persuasive" and contrite, his anger will likely disappear much faster and he will likely accept the offering of intimacy.

So when you look at marriage, it becomes obvious that the greatest difficulty is in getting the woman to unconditionally forgive and love her man intimately, because the man is quite easily persuaded but the woman is not. As she resists the call to forgiveness, love, and intimacy, she sets the seeds for: anger, abuse, depression, poor work and spending habits, sexual affairs, separation, and divorce. As the man disrespects the women, he sets the seeds for her destruction through long-term resentment.  As resentment increases, it becomes increasingly difficult for the man to repent and improve the relationship which he has been investing in, and to trust renewed loyalty to the marriage. If the woman exercises her power to strengthen her marriage, and he is willing to trust her and change himself, there is much hope. Any change must be expected to continue for a while before either spouse should accept it as a new norm.  Trust increases the interest in pleasing the spouse.  The woman has the power to immediately turn the entire relationship around and strengthen the marriage very quickly. He may have some power to do the same, but the process is much slower, much more painful, and much more likely to fail if she denies him intimacy, love, and forgiveness for long.